The Wise One once said: “Cultivate the Wisdom of obscurity…release the need to be more ‘anything’ in the eyes of others.” ~Lao Tzu~
Coping with having loved a Narcissist is not an easy task for many who are unlike the offender…the hurt, the confusion, the frustration, the embarrassment, all of it…it gets easier when, and only when, one is open to understanding something they don’t. If you are reading this, you are ready. You are a lovable human being, the Narcissist you fell in love with, is spiritually beneath you. A fact is being stated not for judgement sake, but for you to shift to a compassionate sense of self-forgiveness and a platform to rebuild your confidence. The quote from the Wise One, that you just read above…it is like kryptonite to the Narcissist. Knowing this should begin to awaken you. Your hurt and anger are symptoms of this transformation taking place while the wounds heal.
It starts out as seemingly entertaining for the unknown party. Narcissists command attention and seem…. therefore intriguing, quite compelling. They seem ambitious, outgoing, “together” and it looks like they have this unrelenting confidence. However, they are haunted by the slightest possibility of criticism, or someone helping them to improve ironically, they have to know it all, when the most intelligent ones realize they don’t. They behave like 2 year olds often demanding excessive attention by way acting out, eg. cheating, compulsive lying, mental abuse, sometimes severe physical abuse, certainly severe emotional abuse.
The unsuspecting party begins to fall in love with their charisma, often good looks and charm, not always their ways of being, that is usually casually overlooked…why? Usually the other party has some unsettled issues of their own, but they offer the narcissist what they lack, which is great empathy and considerable kindness, a beautifully loving inner spirit…However, to the narcissist it presents as weakness, an easy target for manipulation to achieve their ends so they think.
Almost always the unsuspecting party is either very attractive or present as submissive or both. It is mostly in hopes to enhance the Narcissist’s self-esteem and agenda. The relationship may seem extremely exciting at first, like the two of you are experiencing a shared psychotic trip. Then, it happens, the other party begins to feel again…the truth is still unknown, but the narcissist senses something that isn’t coinciding to their ideas and they become fearful that they will be discovered….The acting out begins. These people suffer greatly from criticism, defeatism, even the possibility of such. This is about the only emotion they can feel, their own inner-fears often self-medicated.
Sometimes, the other person has deep-rooted needs too, insecurities of their own, but when it comes down to it, no one is more insecure than the Narcissist. If it is one thing I want you to take away from a relationship gone wrong, know that this entire condition begins to show up in early adulthood and fortunately but unfortunately it is not about you. (a side note, these individuals behavior is so patterned, so typical, that the DSM-IV actually says that they’d do the following: “eg. exuberantly tell a former lover, ‘I am in the relationship of a lifetime’. “) With that being said, are you beginning to see it’s not about you personally?
I believe it to be a type of adaptation to some type of early neglect, abuse and/or very little empathy was ever expressed in their past and/or Narcissistic ways are partially a learned behavior…Most likely it is a defense mechanism that develops and becomes their personality. This in essence will bring the human attention which they feel so deprived. Conditions always develop from an opposite condition, ones that were so painful that triggered unbalanced ways of coping.
Somewhere they have had to have had the opposite perceptions of Narcissistic ways, or else cultivating this personality would be impossible. They are in defense of their damaged EGO. Their level of ever comprehending detachment from ones (especially their own) EGO is incomprehensible to them. They believe that this is the way the world should work. They require excessive adoration, so much that they begin to act out (eg. verbally abuse) if it is not constant. They don’t have the ability to transcend this way of being. Anything is possible, but their ideology and attachments to this way of behaving are so strong the very inkling of another way of being is so threatening to who they believe they are. That would threaten their “know it all” attitude.
Fundamentally these couples are usually polar opposites in personalities. The Narcissist, unknown to many at first have serious self-esteem issues, their sensitivity is condensed to that alone. The moment attention is directed elsewhere, they have an uncanny ability to circle it back around to themselves and disparage that person who interrupted their attention. Their depth is nil, because they are so focused on “things” defining them…including their relationship. These folks will seldom take blame if ever. They always seem to be optimists in the sense that whatever went wrong had nothing to do with them.
It’s Bitter-sweet…dating one of these characters…So, you got hurt? The spectrum of emotions you could have experienced during a relationship with a Narcissist, incredible… especially being able to identify all of them……move past the hurt in a hurry, before what little you have left is gone. These folks have a whole 3 pages devoted to them in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual IV (DSM-IV), that’s what we professionals use to make sure we know who we are dealing with.
The most relevant part of this post is for you to know these folks are in what we call the Cluster B personality disorders, they are the most difficult of all to treat in a clinical setting or to manage in daily life for that matter…why? Because they are so convinced that their way is the way the world should be, the way the world works…the only way. This is why it is called a “personality disorder”. Their behavior is a very organized behavior pattern; it only takes one time to be in a relationship with one of these characters and you’ll never forget. It can be quite traumatizing for the other person. However, what you have learned, and are still learning is priceless wisdom. And, most of all, you are now on an undeniable quest for inner peace and closure from this offense. This is where gratitude begins to bloom…..at the realization of where all of the offenses have placed you now, and for the moment that is here healing and moving forward. As for you, attain the wisdom of obscurity, releasing the need to be more “anything” in the eyes of anyone. You have just witnessed the most powerful reasoning behind that ancient wisdom now haven’t you?
Related Articles “Sociopath : the Floor Show” and “Children of the Narcissist”, “Bullying : The Art of Resilience”, “Blame : The Need to Do it The Ability to Accept it…”